Some months ago, I started a nudie blog in an effort to understand what my physicality looks like to other’s eyes, and to regain some body confidence. There were a number of contributing factors to the fact that I exited my five year relationship feeling decidedly less sexy than I ever had in my life, and it was time to re-inflate my ego.
Over the course of this little project, I’ve looked long and hard at all these bits of flesh that cover my bones. I’ve been confronted with angles I never even imagined, and noticed new things I can choose either to love or hate.
I have imperfections, many of which will never change. I have scars from the breast reduction I had when I was 19 years old. I have stretch marks on my chest that are visible any time I wear a low cut top, and stretch marks on my thighs from the fluctuating weights I’ve embodied throughout my life. There’s a little ridge/bump thing under my right breast from the way it healed when they stitched me back up. My hips always carry extra weight - ranging from mini love handles to major muffin top depending on how much pizza I’ve been indulging in. I have that bumpy skin thing at the tops of my arms and legs, and none of my limbs are as smooth or svelte as they could be.
I realised long ago that I will always be soft and curved instead of toned and flat. I tend towards a 50s aesthetic in lingerie, swimwear and dresses because to me that looks classic, and it does me more favours than the barely-there pieces of today. Re-entering the modern dating world is scary in more than all the normal ways, because I feel like between porn and Paris Hilton, men (or perhaps just boys) have come to find sexiness in (and maybe even expect) spray tans, tiny thongs and bald bits. None of which I get down with.
So how is somebody going to react to lady lumps, high waisted underwear, and, ya know, well kept body hair?
The answer is: I don’t care.
And when I realised that, I figured I had probably gone a good part of the way towards regaining the confidence that once came so naturally to me.
My body is not perfect.
But it does everything I need it to do, and it is MINE.
captain talia
